Opposing Ideals and the Quest for Self-Reconciliation

As others have similarly expressed, I harbor a sense of anxiety regarding my future. I consider myself an extremist, treading the fine line of wanting everything and wanting nothing at all. Many of my beliefs and yearnings are seemingly contradictory: on one hand, I desire stability and security; on the other, unadulterated freedom and expression. My primary conflict entails reconciling the ideals in my mind/reality with those of the external world. This is the quandary I believe Jane likewise endured. She desires contradictory things, a concept reflected in her internal banter, as though she is in fact, arguing with herself. One such time is when she cries, "Let me be torn away! Let another help me!" only to respond with, "No, you shall tear yourself away. None shall help you." This internal conflict poses a pertinent question: how can a true individual exist in a social realm that is designed to suppress and assimilate? Surely it is maddening to know that the tether of individuality only extends so far, that free thought is only as free as the deciders have decided it should be.

Society compels an individual to choose. Society compels an individual to simplify. Choose one path or choose the other, but choosing both would be a failure of logic. Existential philosophy seeks a resolution to this predicament, and perhaps the most sensible of all is Kierkegaard's admonishment, "I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both." Jane, an idealist much like myself, longs to reconcile many different paths into one, but society will not allow it. Jane admits to many "fluctuations of feeling" which cause her to seem indecisive and confused - but is she? Or is it the world itself that is indecisive and confused, so cold and callous to the vibrancy of a mind like her own? In some sense, Jane wishes to live a life of virtue, meaning, independence, and self-sufficiency. In another, she wishes to fulfill her natural role as a woman, wife, and mother in society. Neither of these options will grant her true satisfaction and peace of mind.

Likewise, I feel the weight of knowing that whatever I choose will not satisfy me, as it would involve concessions and compromises. I know that the reality inside my mind will never coincide with the reality beyond me. Some choices I find myself faced with are looking the way I want / having tattoos and procuring a well paying but more importantly: meaningful job. Would I be happy with a job that insisted I change or conceal myself as though my appearance detracts from my skills? Certainly not. Furthermore, would I be happy at any job that entailed rigid social hierarchy and organization? Not likely. What then, becomes my option other than an enormous gamble - frantically scrawling away, penniless and perceivably unsuccessful with all but fleeting hopes of "making it" as a writer? My writer friends sympathize in their dead end jobs, chided for not pursuing something more practical. Perhaps it was this rejection Jane feared - the way in which she felt she had "betrayed her master" and so too, the society that bore her. In my situation, I believe Jane would gravitate toward whatever option allowed the greatest prospect of individuality. In a modern context, Jane would have had more opportunities to pursue her own path in life and perhaps she would have made haste of these. At the same time, however, one sees that by the end of the novel, Jane has found a way to rationalize her decision to marry. There are several ways that this can be interpreted - that Jane either deluded herself into settling, or that she truly did find a significance and identity in doing so.

We cannot have everything in life. To those with a deep penchant for thought and reflection, the world is a boorish hell that systematically destroys every gleam of idealistic optimism. We must choose that which we feel will provide the greatest validation. Perhaps for some, it is love. For others, it is a career. Some are content to pay the bills and put food on the table, while others strive for luxurious excesses. This poignant truth recalls a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay entitled, "Love Is Not All." "Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink, or slumber nor a roof against the rain," it begins. It goes on to say, "Yet many a man is making friends with death, even as I speak, for lack of love alone." Finally, the narrator resolves to the opinion that even if it were possible to trade memories, love, and passion for other things such as "peace or food," she would not, because the former are far more valuable to her. Although Jane may not have ended up with precisely what she wanted in life, and I may not end up with all that I want either, it would seem that passion is the driving force in any situation. As long as one retains passion, life prevails ever onward.

I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both.
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