"Helping" My Mother with Her Car Troubles

Last year my mother had to take her car off the road because of outstanding parking tickets and the breaks giving way. She borrowed money from me and her mom to pay off the parking tickets and asked if I could take out a loan through school to help pay to get her car fixed. It was a tough decision because I already increased my loans to cover my tuition. Not to mention I looked at my mother's financial decisions over the past year. She bought clothes and shoes as inspiration to lose weight which never did come off. She also purchased health products and exercise gear but eventually went back to  eating out and getting junk food on a weekly basis. She commuted to Syracuse to carry on a dead end "romantic" involvement. I remember her asking me to go to Western Union to send her some money to get back to Rochester. And of course earlier that year, my mother helped bail my brother out of jail though he had a history of stealing, lying, and blaming our mother for his dysfunction.

My mother's a nurse so she makes a fair salary, but she's bad at handling money. At the time that she asked me about the $1000-1500 loan she stopped working one of her jobs. I'll give her that she's a hard worker. She said she planned to start a private case in the next few months so she'd pay me back then. But I knew nothing was definite. I continued to weigh the cons and pros. I do care about the welfare of my mother and her having necessities, I needed someone with a car to help bring my stuff to and from campus, and the winter was coming up. Her credit was too bad for her to get a loan from the bank and her mom was done loaning her kids money. On the other hand, I wasn't sure I could afford it and I wanted to make sure I'd be able to register for spring semester. Letting my mom deal with it on her own would also help her to become resourceful and get more exercise by having to walk to work.

I understood my mother's mistakes because I'm like her many ways. But somehow our decisions were becoming more and more different from each other's. It all felt so backwards, me as her daughter making it my job to help her handle her finances especially when I'm trying to get my own in order. Yet I felt obligated because she's my mother and she did provide for me for the most part. Student Accounts wouldn't care about the circumstance when it came time to register and my mother's mechanic wouldn't give her a second glance if he wasn't paid in full. Our situation mattered to no one but ourselves...I did go to my Nana for advice. She said "If you can't afford to give the money without expecting to be paid back, don't do it." And I knew I couldn't afford to. Luckily the decision wasn't even mine to make in the end, I couldn't take out more money because I maxed out my loans for the year and I still needed to take out a private loan to cover the rest of Fall 2013 tuition. O the privileges of adulthood.

I feel that I helped a little without really helping at all. This situation made me think about the dynamics of my relationship with my mother, not just in the year 2013 but in throughout memory of her. Similarly at the end of Never Let Me Go, Kathy's being a carer for Ruth and Tommy didn't help any of their lives. It may have provided some comfort to be with someone they knew, but it didn't change their fates and Kathy didn't feel accomplished about anything. All she wanted in the end was to reflect on the good times at Halisham in her childhood with Ruth and Tommy. I wanted to have the best outlook I could of what I knew was the inevitable result, but I wouldn't be surprised if my mother soon needs help again. For Kathy the inevitable would be her becoming a donor and suffering the same fate as her friends.

Taking Care

When I was in eighth grade, my grandfather ended up getting really sick. He had been recently divorced and thus had nobody to take care of him. Because of this, he ended up moving into my house with my parents and I. It was now our responsibility to take care of him. However, my parents worked during the weekdays and he would have been home alone, except for the occasional visits from a nurse, a government-appointed one I should add. For my role, I was just a young teenager who was home from school on February break. My views of that week were doing nothing other than playing video games all day and having fun. I found out that I wouldn't be able to play video games all day with my sick grandpa living in the same house.

Whenever he wanted me to throw something away, he would call for me to run into the kitchen and collect whatever garbage he had and put in the trash can. Whenever the phone would ring, he'd yell "phone!" and I would have to race to answer it for him. I remember getting annoyed with him since I was on break and just wanted to have fun. But, my role that week was to take care of my sick grandpa. Throughout that week, we bonded over cards and cookies. I figured out that taking care of him wasn't always about doing boring stuff like throwing away garbage for him, but I could also take care of him by helping him through the day and help keep his mind off of all the ways he was suffering.

For that week in February, I was a "carer" for my grandpa. But, also throughout his stint of living with us, my parents and I were collectively carers of my grandpa. My parents who smoked at the time had to adjust and only would smoke upstairs so that he would not be effected by it. Also, the reason why their room was even upstairs was because they let my grandpa have their bedroom on the first floor so he wouldn't have to continuously go up and down the stairs.

For those times, we took care of my sick grandpa. Unlike the novel, Never Let Me Go, when taking care of somebody gives off a completely different meaning. In the novel, Karen H. is a carer and has been doing her job for a long time. While my family's job to care for my grandpa did not last for a very long time, Karen's job lasted for years and years. But, her job was to take care of patients who organs were taken out of them. She was taking care of the dying, which was actually what my family and I were doing with my grandpa. But, in her case, "they" took people's organs on purpose and then made her take care of them. That's a bit different than a family taking care of a sick relative. We were taking care of my grandpa in hopes that he would get better, but with Karen's patients, there is no getting better. Being a carer in that situation just seems like a waste of time and I figured out that I certainly wasn't wasting my time taking care of my grandpa.

Urgent Care

Back in August of 2013 I had to have emergency surgery to get my appendix removed. I went to two different places before I was admitted into the hospital. First I went to Urgent Care. Urgent Care took the tests that they could, but then said that they didn’t have the resources to take care of me there, so they suggested that I go to Highland Hospital. I called my boyfriend at the time to come get me (because the pain was so bad I could barely walk) and he came and made sure I got into the car and to the hospital safely. Once at Highland, I was greeted in the ER and asked to fill out paperwork. An hour after I got there, and finished the paperwork, I was taken into the back where they studied me for three hours before they admitted me. Each person was caring to the idea of how we view caring. Each nurse was attentive and accommodating to the best of their abilities. When I was in pain, they gave me medicine and when I was cold they gave me a blanket. The type of caring that took place at Urgent Care is what prevented my appendix from bursting. They took the time they needed to run their tests and made sure to tell me it was more serious then what we thought it was. This is important because if they hadn’t done this, I would have gone home…thinking that it was going to be okay. If this type of caring wasn’t the norm, many people would be prolonged to suffering. This type of caring needs to be done because it is preventative and it makes the whole process easier and healthier in the long run.

Our type of care is preventative: we feel something that bothers us or we get hurt, we go to the hospital/doctors to get it looked at and treated. The caring in Never Let me Go is purposely inflicted on the people needing the caring. These people are being used, in a way and then “cared” for so they can be used again. 

Hospice care

September 29, 2013 was the day my great grandmother took her last breath. It's very hard to discuss, because we all loved her very much, and just thinking about it brings me to tears. My grandmother got very ill one day, and we couldn't figure out why so we rushed her to the hospital. The doctors ran tons of tests, but couldn't find anything. Until they tested her for cancer. She was diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer, and there wasn't anything they could really do. Hitting almost eighty years old they didn't want to provide chemo, because there was a huge possibility that the cancer would get worse, and shorten her life. The doctors told us she had six months to live, and hospice was the best option for her. As a family it was hard for us to actually believe she was going to leave us in a matter of months. She was a firm believer that everything was going to be okay, but we all had to face reality. After she was released from the hospital the hospice process started in her home, and it wasn't an easy journey. As days, weeks, months went by she started to slowly shrink. Her memory deteriorated, and things got worse over time.  She was given her last dose of medication, and that's when she took her last breath. The pain was unbearable for her. She fought as long as she could, and I hope that when it's my time I'll be as strong as she was. R.I.P grandma I love you.

A hospice carer is someone who provides support for a patient who is in their last stages of life. A hospice carer doesn't just support the patient, but helps the family manage through hard times . They're required to make sure that the patient feels as comfortable as possible. This care can either be offered in the home, or in an hospital. This type of carer is required to provide all the supplies needed for the home/ hospital medically. Provide the family with different ways to cope with the passing of their loved on, and also provide spiritual care. These norms are important, because losing someone is never easy so it's important for a hospice carer to provide as much support as possible, and make everyone feel comfortable in such a tragic situation. If these norms are not transgressed then many issues arise. Not only for the patient, and family, but for the person/ people providing the care. This kind of care is important because it gives families different options, and it's also very personal. It allows you to have a choice about the care you want to receive, and gives you the chance to die with dignity. If this type of care isn't done it limits your options. A lot of people like my grandmother wanted to pass away in her own home, and not in a stinky old hospital.She wanted to be around her family, and friends before she died. Hospice allowed this to happen. 

There are many different governmental/ institutional structures involved in this care such as social workers. They help you with paper work, and also help you understand the system of hospice care. Spiritual advisers help guide you, and give the religious approach to things instead of the medical approach. It also help patients, and families be at peace with themselves.Therapists are extra help along side the doctor. Different types of therapists help with certain things. All of the structures involved are definitely needed to help you along the way. They may be a pain in the butt at that point in time, but each and every one of them are needed. In this type of situation all of the parties involved help provide some type of efficiency to the patient, and their family.

It is our duty to empathize with and care for others, because imagine being in that situation, how would you want someone to treat you? When you're on your death bed you want support from your family, and friends. Knowing that you have that love and support around you makes it much easier for you to die in peace. There may be times when a person isn't deserving of the care they receive, but sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, and be a good citizen. Towards the end of the novel  Never Let Me Go Tommy makes a decision to no longer have Kathy as he carer, and his health starts to go bad. He realizes that he doesn't want Kathy to see him in such bad condition, so they say their final good byes when he makes his fourth donor donation. When a person is gone all you have left are memories rather good or bad, so it's best that you cherish every moment you have with that person. When you get into fights make up, it may be hard but sometimes you have to put your pride to the side, because you never know when it's your time.

The Meaning of Care in a Nursing Home

I work part time at an assisted living facility.  Technically, assisted living facilities are not nursing homes.  At the particular home I work for residents must be 75 years of age or older, and they must be able to dress themselves and get to and from the dining hall without help.  If they cannot fulfill these requirements then placing them in a nursing home or hospital is discussed with their families.  However, even though these are technically the rules of the establishment, many of the residents do need help getting dressed and help getting to and from the dining room.  A vast majority of the residents suffer from Alzheimer's, several are blind, and many of them have a very difficult time walking. Residents are generally moved into nursing homes when they become completely unresponsive to care or if they become incredibly ill.  However, sometimes if the resident is not in need of hospitalization and is still marginally functional, if they have been deemed terminally ill then they can choose to go on hospice care in the home. Obviously, these are people who require a lot of care and attention since they are not longer able to take care of themselves.  If they don’t receive this care, if they were to be left alone to their own devices, then they would literally die.  

Now I personally work in the dining hall.  I basically serve food, clean up the space, and get it set for the next meal.  I also go on juice pass once a shift which requires me to go into the residents’ rooms and give them something to drink so that they stay hydrated. I spend a lot of time with these residents.  Meals last anywhere from 60-80 minutes, and that gives you a lot of time to get to know the people you are serving.

When you work at an establishment like this you get used to residents coming and going.  Literally you can be gone for 2 days, and the next time you come back multiple residents could be gone, generally because they become suddenly sick and have to be taken to the hospital where they generally end up remaining.  They tell you when you start to not get attached to anyone.  However, this is incredibly hard.  When you spend 30 or more hours a week with these people you get to know them.  Many of them are perfectly capable of regular interactions, and oftentimes they will talk to you about anything and everything.  There’s about 60 residents in the home and every employee has their favorites.  However, when one of your favorite residents gets sick and either gets moved to a nursing home or dies it’s a really hard experience to go through.  There was one gentleman in particular that was such a sweetheart, and when he went on hospice that was very hard to deal with, which is precisely why they tell you not to get attached.

Clearly these people need to be cared for, but you are not supposed to care about them.  You’re level of caring is supposed to stop at providing them with service.  You need to help them live their lives as comfortably as possible, but you are not supposed to get sentimental, after all it is a job.  However, I think it’s dangerous to think of it as just any other job.  You’re literally helping someone live their lives, it’s not like you’re making coffee or selling clothes.  A certain level of empathy is required.  You have to find a way to care without becoming attached, at the end of the day when you go home you have to let go of the job, but when you’re there in the moment working you need to respect and treat the residents as you would anyone else.  These people deserve care and respect, and you have to provide it to them as best you can.

Similar to the carers in Never Let Me Go, employees at nursing homes and hospice facilities have to care for people whose lives will most likely soon be coming to an end.  They are supposed to provide them with as much comfort and assistance as needed, but they are also supposed to maintain some sort of professional distance.  Obviously in Never Let Me Go, Kathy is actually friends with Ruth and Tommy, and when she has to care for them it is very difficult. Also, there is the added dynamic that one day Kathy will be the one being cared for while she slowly dies, which technically the same dynamic can be found in nursing homes.  All of us are getting older every day, and it’s humbling and actually quite frightening to be confronted with what age can do to a body. All you can really do is attempt to give the individuals the level of care that you would hope to receive if positions were flipped.

Beth Cramer- Caring

In January of 2013, I had my wisdom teeth out. The appointments up to that point had made me feel less nervous than originally. I had never went to the hospital or had other surgery before (I was a pretty normal, healthy woman/girl most of the time) so I was very nervous. Up until this point, I had been having anxiety about someone cutting into my mouth. I was prescribed sedatives to take the night before to help me sleep and in the morning so they would have no problem giving me the IV when it came time for the surgery. I don't remember much of the morning or getting to the doctor's office. That time period is laced with patches of knowing what was going on. I remember walking into the office and taking the elevator up. I remember being in the chair and a nurse asking me what I was listening to on my iPod. Then I was being woken up and the surgery was over. I was walked to a recovery room where I wanted to sleep so bad but they kept prodding me awake. The drive home was spotty as well. I don't remember walking into my house at all but I'm told I did it all by myself. The next thing I remember, I am waking up on the couch with a very sore mouth and ice packs on my cheeks.

I am so thankful that I spoke up and told them I was having anxiety about the surgery. They did everything they could to make me comfortable and make me feel safe. The aftermath of the surgery was horrible (I ended up with dry sockets on one side), but at least they did everything they could to care for me and make me comfortable.

I am sure if they have not given me those sedatives and the IV, I would have freaked out beyond belief. I was so worried. And I am glad there are people who are doctors of the mouth because my wisdom teeth were not growing in correctly (2 of the 4 were basically sideways) and it was very painful. Though I had a horrible, painful experience, many people have even worse experiences with wisdom teeth and other issues with the mouth. In the end, I was lucky.

No government or church intervened in my care. We did use health insurance to cover part of the surgery but my parents were able to take care of the rest of it. Everyone at the doctor's office was really nice, accommodating, and made sure I was getting the best care possible.

I think doctors go into their field because they like to care for people. They like to make people feel better when they are in pain or sick. Sometimes, it doesn't work out for the best, like for my grandmother when she passed away a couple days after my surgery. However, doctors know how to handle these experiences through training and practicing.

I think the carers in Never Let Me Go feel the same way as doctors. They like to bring a little bit of sunshine into someone's life who really needs it, who might be hurting pretty bad and need to take their mind off it. I think that is why Kathy was a carer for so long. She saw the need in some people and was able to gauge what they needed specifically from her. When they needed silence, they would look out the window together or go for a walk. When they needed to talk or listen to stories, she was ready. I think this type of care is overlooked. The clones didn't have a family to come visit them like my grandmother did before she passed away. Instead, they had their carers. Having someone there while you go through a hard time like a surgery is the most important part of recovery in my opinion.

Caring for Customers

             A caring situation that I often find myself in happens within the workplace.  I work at a retail store and therefore I am required to "take care" of customers that enter the store.  It is expected by the customer, my manager, and store policy that I greet customers that enter the store and furthermore help them pick out their desired clothing.  These expectations are important because if I were to ignore customer’s needs and not take care of them by grabbing clothes, answering questions, or giving them suggestions, I could be fired.  Also, customers expect to be taken care of by employees when they are shopping, especially where I work because our clothing is aimed towards an older generation.  The women that shop with us expect care.  If care expectations are not met they can inform my manager, they can act outwardly rude towards me, or they can file a complaint with corporate.

This kind of care is important for all parties.  It is important for the customer because they want to feel welcome when they enter a store.  They also may want or need help making decisions if they are buying clothing for a specific event.  It is important that we as sales associates help these customers so that we can be sure they will shop with us again.  It is important that I help customers that need care because it is my job, and if I did not do my job correctly I could lose it.  Also, I take pride in my work and being professional on the job.  Customer’s needs and care are of extreme importance to the store and the sales associates.  If customers are not treated with care, they may not shop with us again.  This is crucial because we need their business and we also want to be sure everyone that shops with us is happy with the company so that we may attract new customers, as well.

An institutional structure that is also involved in the care of our customers is the mall our store resides in.  The mall must be sure to take care of shoppers, so that they keep coming back.  This includes making sure shoppers are taken care of with parking availability, access to restrooms, plenty of dining options, and cleanliness throughout all mall facilities.  We rely on the mall to take care of all these structures to keep customers happy.  The mall relies on us to take care of customers and encourage them to come back and keep shopping with us.  They do not necessarily change the care of our customers, but rather aid in the process of caring.  They make "care" for shoppers accessible and efficient and personalize the experience our customers have.

Although it is very true that some customers are undeserving of our care, such as rude customers or shoplifters, but we must always care for them anyways.  We have to think the best of everyone that walks into the store and help them out as much as possible.  If someone were to enter the store that you previously had a bad experience with, it would not change the fact that you must care for them in the same way you would for any other customer.  This reminds me of Kathy's decision to care for Ruth in the novel, Never Let Me Go.  Although Ruth had previously been rude to her, Kathy cares for her anyway.  She sees the good in her character when she could easily focus on the bad.  This is what employees in retail often have to do with difficult customers.  It may be fair to say that Ruth did not deserve Kathy's care, but she does it anyway.  It is our duty as humans and our duty in our place of work to do our job.  Although we could be selective with who we care for and possibly get away with it, it is never in one's best interest to act this way.  "Care" in my situation and that of Kathy and Ruth suggests that we must care for others sometimes even if we do not want to.  Regardless of the situation you must smile anyway, do your job, and be a good person so at the end of the day you can be happy with yourself and your actions.